Suggestions for helping the Earth

From time to time you'll pick up a newspaper and find an article where some environmentalist is quoted as believing there are just too many people in the world. I've heard the Rev. Jesse Jackson solemnly declare it. Ted Turner, former husband of Jane Fonda and renowned mental Goliath, was the latest to state such a concern. Too many people equates to too much pollution, you see, and someday that pollution will cause the sun's rays to penetrate the ozone layer and broil the entire population as one might broil several billion corndogs.

I don't subscribe to this theory but that's not the point here. Let's say for the sake of argument that these people are right and there really are too many of us on what the environmentalists call “Mother Earth,” a term, incidentally, I detest. And if there are too many people here then what can we do about it? The answer is obvious, isn't it? If there's too many passengers on the planet then someone simply has to get off. But who gets the boot? Who gets voted off the Earth as one might get voted off the TV show “Survivor?” Well, I believe I can help with that.

Maybe the following people should take at least a temporary layoff from earth so this tired, old planet can catch a breather.

€ Men who insist on wearing flip-flops in public.

€ People who give their cars nicknames.

€ All adults who insist on referring to Wednesday as “Hump Day.”

€ Geraldo Rivera.

€ People who try to drive a 3,000-pound vehicle while their dog sits on their laps between them and the steering wheel. Talk about dangerous.

€ Jerry Springer, his guests, his sponsors, and his viewers. That's a pretty sizeable hunk of the population, a huge enough hunk to make even Al Gore smile.

€ Al Gore.

€ We would get along just fine if telemarketers and bill collectors were to get off the planet for a while. Hey guys, you can come back when you learn to behave yourselves.

€ Attention Nancy Grace, Drew Carey, Ty Pennington and Howard Stern; would you mind taking just a voluntary lay-off? The public, like the earth, would really appreciate the break.

€ The folks responsible for making those horrendous “Head On” commercials.

€ Jacks, Lelane and Cafferty.

€ Bills, Maher and Moyers.

€ People who put vegetables in their chicken pie and mushrooms on their hamburgers, please line up quietly and leave in single file.

€ It seems the earth could do well with a break from “gangsta” rappers littering the airwaves and gum wrappers littering the sidewalks.

€ Disability lawyers who advertise on television.

€ Larry the Cable Guy, you may go now. And if there's room on your “Get-r-done” express, please take so-called Southern humorist Roy Blount Jr. with you.

€ Those who insist on using the roadside for your own private landfill, you need to hit the trail and get outta Dodge.

This, of course, is a humor column (no really, it is) and no malice is meant toward anyone. It's just that if there are too many people on this great big bus then the number might as well be reduced by eliminating some of the folks that gripe my cookies. The Earth and my life will both benefit from having to deal with less pollution.

It's a win-win deal for Mother Earth and Cousin Watts.

Benjie Watts of Gamewell is a columnist for the News-Topic. If you want to leave a message for him him call the TopicLine, 757-4300, category number 4335.