Benjie Watts

We've been hearing a lot over the past few months about health care reform. Now the Senate has a bill that will be debated sometime after the Thanksgiving break. I, for one, have a lot of doubts about this bill for a number of reasons, but one provision has me really concerned. I'm talking about the proposed tax on cosmetic surgery.

Remember the "Keep America Beautiful" campaign that was promoted back in the '60s and '70s? I'm sure you recall the commercial with actor Iron Eyes Cody sitting on his horse with this huge tear rolling down his cheek (Cody's cheek, not the horse's) as he gazed at a pile of garbage on the side of the road. Seems to me if we really want to keep America beautiful we should do all we can to help ugly people become easier on the eyes.

Cosmetic surgery can work miracles. Take comedian Joan Rivers, for instance. She's had more needles stuck in her than an old maid's pincushion, but it has paid off for her. If it wasn't for a stick here and a drawstring there, Joan's chin would be hitting her somewhere about her shoe tops. She may even have become the first person ever to be inflicted with athlete's face.

For example two, take a look at country singer Kellie Pickler. Considering this is a family friendly publication, I'll just say that Kellie is much "bouncier" than she was back in the days when she worked as a curb hop at the Sonic Drive-In down in Albemarle. It's a good thing her singing career is going well for her because after undergoing her enchanting enhancement it would next to impossible for her to maneuver a tray full of double cheeseburgers, large fries, and shakes while wearing roller skates. Ice queen Nancy Kerrigan couldn't pull that one off. I'm convinced that Kellie's career was helped along greatly by her decision to look more Dolly Parton-ish. Look what Dolly's appearance did for her.

There are several people I have known over the years who could be helped today by the wonders of cosmetic surgery. Regis Roy Stillwater for one. Regis has an Adam's Apple that, from a profile view, makes it look as if he swallowed a croquet mallet at some point. Another friend is in dire need of a nose job. It would beautify America significantly if a surgeon could center his nose just under his eyes where the Good Lord meant to place it in the beginning.

It may be hard for you to believe but even I could benefit from a little facial remodeling. My proboscis is rather large and shaped somewhat like the Florida panhandle. My ears are too big and protrude unattractively, but I'm not sure if they've come up with an ear reduction procedure yet. But I'm not worried. When they do, with these ears I'll be the first to hear about it.

The medical community has been telling us for decades that Americans are obese and that our obesity is killing us in droves. If you decide you want to have the doctor "Hoover" a few decades worth of corn chips and Twinkies off your waistline, the government should encourage it, not penalize you with an extra tax.

As usual, our lawmakers have it exactly backward. Don't tax those who want to look better, tax those who are ugly and refuse to do anything about it. That's right, tax the ugly. The revenue collected from Lyle Lovett, Rosie O' Donnell and Meryl Streep alone should pay off our national debt by the end of 2010.

Benjie Watts of Gamewell is a columnist for the News-Topic. He can be reached by e-mail at bwatts1953@gmail.com.